When a loved one dies, life can become confusing and painful. The reality as we knew it no longer exists, and we are thrown into painful, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar emotions and thoughts. During the time following the loss, it’s common to experience high levels of stress and fluctuating emotions—ranging from deep sadness, anger, helplessness, guilt, confusion, and disbelief. On top of the loss itself, we must also consider the specific circumstances of the death, as well as any family or work-related situations that may arise.
For the person left behind, many needs emerge simultaneously, and they must be worked through gradually during the mourning process. Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, identifies six key needs that grieving individuals experience after the death of a loved one. These needs are common among most grieving people and do not follow a specific order or sequence.
Need #1: Accept the reality of the death
The first need is to accept the reality that a loved one has died. It is difficult to acknowledge that someone you love is no longer physically present. Due to the intensity of the pain, some people may find comfort in imagining that the person is simply away on a trip and will soon return. This is a temporary survival mechanism, and it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself.
Need #2: Feel the pain
We live in a culture that teaches us to deny pain, where “being strong” often means pretending that nothing happened. But when you lose a loved one, it is completely valid and normal to feel pain. We shouldn’t avoid, deny, or repress it. This need asks us to give ourselves permission to feel — something that often feels unnatural. It may seem easier to suppress or ignore the pain, but we must face it head-on. Denying or avoiding emotional pain only prolongs suffering and, in some cases, can lead to mental health issues or physical illness. Pain doesn’t always come in the form of sadness — anger and frustration are also common and valid grief responses.
Need #3: Remember the person who has died
In an attempt to escape the pain, many people try to erase every memory of the deceased. Likewise, friends and family may avoid speaking about the loved one in a misguided effort to protect the person in mourning. Some people keep themselves overly busy just to “avoid thinking.” However, memories remain and take on greater significance after a loss. Holding on to meaningful objects like photos or gifts can help you remember your loved one in a healthy way.
Need #4: Develop a new self-identity
Part of our identity is tied to the roles we have in our relationships: parent, child, spouse, sibling, etc. When a loved one dies, those roles shift — and so do our daily responsibilities. Working through this need requires self-compassion as we adjust to who we are now without that person in our life.
Need #5: Search for meaning
When someone you love dies, it’s natural to ask questions like: Why did this happen? Why me? Why now? Why would God allow this? It’s common to feel as though a part of you died too. This can lead to spiritual struggles or existential questions about the meaning of life. This is when the need arises to find new meaning in the loss and in life moving forward. Need #6: Receive ongoing support from others The supportiveness of those around you is critical to the healing process. No one should go through grief alone. Support from family, friends, peer groups, and mental health professionals is not a sign of weakness — it’s a healthy and necessary part of healing. Losing a loved one may be one of the most painful experiences in life. The pain of the loss may never fully go away, but there is always hope for moving forward.
If you’re grieving a loss, avoid trying to “make the pain disappear” quickly. Be patient and compassionate with your own process. Avoid using drugs, alcohol, or sleeping pills without medical supervision, as they can worsen the situation. Seek professional help or a support group if needed.
